It's Funny

It's funny; getting to love and hold your dearest people in the world, knowing that their eyes would never look at you the same if they truly knew you. To see the genuine love they have for you, almost drowning you in it, but instead you drown in your secrets, in all the ways you hide away from them. 

It's funny how you end up the one thing they advertise hating, and you know you can never take that hate away. Their eyes would never look at you the same if they knew. Their admiration will fade faster than the love they carry. Not because their love is fickle, but because you are.

It's funny how you ask the question hypothetically and feel the disappointment dripping from just the mere thought. It's unquestionable, un-understandable. It's as if to them you will become a whole new person from just that secret. When you know you're not. When you know that you still bleed love for them every day, wishing your heart bore no secrets. Wishing your soul was untainted by what you yourself wish away. Wishing they would just see that you are still the same person.

Because I am still the same person. The same daughter who returns from her dreams miles away just because you cannot bear her absence. The same friend who gives you all the love she could possibly carry. The same teacher who cries when a student hugs her too long. The same advocate who preaches for a kinder world. 

I am still the same person.

And even if I'm not the idealistic person you think I am, it doesn't mean I love you less. That I care less. That everything in me is tainted. It just means that I fear losing you more, hurting you more, so hiding is my only solution. It means I would go above and beyond for you to never look at me differently, because once you do I will truly be lost. It is my curse; to feel your love seeping but never truly feeling it because I know it would normally be gone. So in plain sight I hide. In plain sight I take your hugs but never feel them fully. I only feel them half-measured. And that will forever be my penance.

It's funny until it isn't anymore.