Are you okay?

It's a moment of breaking, utter breaking, when you reach your solace in a way so unprecedented. It is when you find it in the most unexpected, and feel its heavy impact all-together at once. You burn, and you break, and you feel you're in the same loop over and over again, for how wouldn't you be when you're reliving the same moment that broke you, only now it is to be your saviour?

The circle closes its line, and the end reaches its finality, and you're finally, finally there, witnessing from a separate veil how it's your only chance of redemption. You see yourself acting in accordance of what should have happened long ago, when you failed so utterly. And now, so unexpectedly, so in the favour of others not yours, you achieve it; you succeed. It's bitter, it's breaking; it is abysmally aching.

Your tears fall down; the infants of the ones that had once fallen with uncontrollable anguish, only now they are edged with peace and malice and fear. It is begrudgingly peaceful, for you finally did it. You finally overstepped the moment that looped you; you finally broke from its manacled chains. Yet, it is with malice for its late arrival; its conclusive past and its unaccounted help. It is peace and malice combined, yet fear still over-shines: it takes over the scene as you start fearing you may not accept your only moment of redemption; start fearing you will never forgive yourself.

It is all peace and malice and fear, and they reduce you to your barest— urge you to topple over that endless bridge of sorrows you've long walked. With shudders you see the light, and with sobs you feel its impending night. And is grace any other thing, really? It is both mercy and suffering; it is salvation and damnation. It is the balance of a well-creator, resting in his unbalanced creations.

It is the second when the world stops to ask you, are you okay? fearing you would crumble from the repeat, from the spinning of the wheel, and you realise you really are not okay, not at all okay, yet it is simultaneously the feeling you never knew you were aching for, body and soul, ever since you were last torn apart in the same mechanism. You stop and ponder, am I okay? after reliving this, can I really be okay? And maybe, just maybe, there's hope for a different answer than the standard solid no.

May you feel okay when your moment of forgiveness is finally here. May you embrace your salvation, and never cower even from its bitter closure.

And may I ever learn to feel its peace, not just its malice and fear.